Do you think philosophy is just tons of boring books and incomprehensible terms? Not at all! The greatest thinkers of humanity were quite the humorists! They masterfully used sarcasm, mocked human foolishness, and virtuously joked about family life. In this article, we have collected the funniest quotes from philosophers from Antiquity to the present day. **Socrates** "Get married. If you find a good wife, you will be happy. If you find a bad one, you will become a philosopher." About his quarrelsome wife Xanthippe, who often created scandals and poured slop on her husband: "A quarrelsome wife for me is like spirited horses for riders: having overcome the spirited ones, they easily handle the rest, so I learn to deal with other people from Xanthippe." Once, after a long argument, Xanthippe poured a bucket of dirty water over Socrates' head. The philosopher calmly remarked: "With Xanthippe, first the thunder rumbles, and then the rain pours." "Whether you marry or not, you will regret it anyway." Once, Socrates was looking at goods in the market, where many luxury items were sold, and he smiled and exclaimed: "How many things there are in the world that I absolutely do not need!" **Thales of Miletus** When asked what is the easiest thing in the world, Thales replied: "Giving advice to others." When asked what is the hardest thing in the world, he said: "To know oneself." When asked what creature is the strangest and most amazing, the philosopher replied: "A tyrant who has lived to old age." **Diogenes of Sinope** When Alexander the Great asked him, "What do you want from me?" Diogenes replied: "Get out of my sunlight!" Then Alexander the Great, impressed by the philosopher's audacity, declared: "If I were not Alexander, I would want to be Diogenes." Diogenes countered: "And I, even if I were not Diogenes, still would not want to be Alexander." When Plato gave a beautiful definition, "Man is a featherless biped," Diogenes plucked a rooster, brought it to the Academy, and announced: "Here is your man, Plato!" After that, Plato had to add to the definition: "...and with broad nails." Diogenes was listening to a lecture by a philosopher that everyone found terribly boring. When the end of the scroll showed clean parchment, Diogenes loudly shouted to the audience: "Be brave, friends: the shore is in sight!" When Diogenes was washing lentils in the river, the court philosopher Aristippus saw him and said: "If you could flatter the king, you wouldn't have to eat lentils." Diogenes replied: "If you could eat lentils, you wouldn't have to flatter the king." Seeing a clumsy archer who could not hit the target even once, Diogenes came to the shooting range and sat right next to the target. When asked why he did this, the philosopher replied: "This is the safest place: he definitely won't hit here." When Diogenes' only slave ran away, acquaintances urged him to start searching. Diogenes refused: "It's ridiculous if a slave can live without Diogenes, but Diogenes cannot live without a slave." When asked what wine he finds the most delicious, Diogenes answered without hesitation: "Someone else's." Seeing the son of a hetaera throwing stones into the crowd, Diogenes shouted to him: "Watch out, boy, lest you hit your father!" The philosopher walked in broad daylight through a busy Athenian square with a lit lantern. To the puzzled questions of the townspeople, he replied: "I am looking for a man." "The best way to torment your enemies is to always be in a good mood." When asked at what age one should marry, Diogenes replied: "It's too early for the young, and too late for the old." When asked why people give alms to the poor and not to philosophers, Diogenes said: "Because they know: they may become lame and blind, but they will never become wise." Seeing an old woman beautifying herself, Diogenes said: "If for the living — you are late, if for the dead — hurry up." **Antisthenes** "The most necessary science is the science of forgetting the unnecessary." Once, Antisthenes jokingly advised the Athenians to pass a resolution: "To consider donkeys as horses." When he was justly pointed out that this is absurd, the philosopher countered: "But you make generals out of complete ignoramuses by simple voting, and nothing!" When Antisthenes was told that he was praised by a very foolish and stupid person, the philosopher was frightened and exclaimed: "Oh gods, have I committed some terrible act?!" Seeing a man boasting about his luxurious clothing, Antisthenes approached and loudly said: "So what! This wool was worn by a sheep before you, and it still remains a sheep." When asked which wife is better to choose — a beautiful one or an ugly one, Antisthenes replied: "If you choose a beautiful one — you will have to share her with others, if you choose an ugly one — she will become your personal punishment." **Voltaire** "If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. But all of nature cries out to us that he exists — though he has a very strange sense of humor." "Divorce is perhaps the only human invention that truly brings us closer to paradise on earth." **Arthur Schopenhauer** "To marry means to do everything possible to become deeply repulsive to each other." "Politeness for a person is the same as warmth for wax. It makes us melt, even when we do not want to." "If the world were perfect, people would simply die of boredom or hang themselves from an excess of free time." "What people commonly call fate is, in essence, just a collection of the foolishness they have committed." **Friedrich Nietzsche** "An unclean conscience is the tax that the invention of a clean conscience has imposed on people." **Bertrand Russell** "The main problem in this world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, while the wise are full of doubts." "Many people would rather die than think. Actually, many do." **Jean Baudrillard** "All our entertainment industry is created just to hide one simple thing: we are deathly bored with each other." "Disneyland exists to hide the fact that all the rest of America is the real Disneyland." **Slavoj Žižek** "I am not against humanity. Humanity is wonderful. But people... 99% of people are complete idiots.