The Uncut Umbilical Cord: How the Problem of Separation Arises There is a short animated film on the internet about a woman who, during childbirth, does not allow the umbilical cord between her and her son to be cut, and he lives his unhappy life, forever remaining attached to his mother — until her death. The issue of children's separation is relevant even in the 21st century. In the last century, the age of adulthood in Europe was considered to be between 22 and 27 years (leaving the parental home, entering the first marriage, and having the first child), but now, according to the WHO, young adulthood lasts until the age of 44 inclusive. In Russia, the official age of youth has been raised from 30 to 35 years. In Spain, where only 18% of young people under 34 start an independent life, the government decided in January 2022 to pay a monthly allowance of 250 euros to motivate them to move out from their parents. Separation is a two-way process involving both children and parents. Sometimes this process is quite painful for both sides. The roots of the problem lie in the long-standing societal belief that a woman's main purpose in life is to have children. First, her life is about waiting for motherhood, and then it is about motherhood itself. After having children, a woman completely shifts her focus to their lives. Her own life, relationships with her husband, and career are pushed to the background. At some point, there is a substitution: the woman begins to identify herself with the child — hence the expressions “we ate,” “we have a tooth coming in,” “we went to kindergarten.” This powerful merging is understandable at a certain point in life: the child is breastfeeding, but then he grows up, and it is time to let him go. Mom is Always Right and Wants What’s Best Out of the best intentions, again, to prevent the child from getting cold, getting sick, getting hurt, falling in with a bad crowd, or getting upset, the mother tries to shield him from dangers. Moreover, often parents are unable to contain (interpret and experience) their child's emotions — they themselves did not receive such experiences in childhood and therefore do everything to prevent these vivid emotions from arising. It is important to remember: a child is a separate person. It is natural that a mother wants the best for her child, as she understands it. Additionally, very often parents have their own unrealized dreams — to finish music school, attend ballet classes, engage in figure skating, win an olympiad, receive an award — and they try to achieve these goals through their child. The little one starts attending ten clubs almost from infancy, regardless of whether he likes it or not, while parents realize their ambitions through the child: “Look at what I have!” Very often, such parents turn to a child psychologist hoping to “fix” the child rather than heal the relationship. They ask to make him obedient, “convenient” for them. Of course, such an ideal child does not cause trouble: he does what the parents say, is satisfied with what has been chosen for him. However, this in no way benefits the child. He has his own path; he has the right not to want to be the next in the dynasty of lawyers because he is interested in music. But parents are often completely unprepared for the fact that the child may have his own opinion, and even more so that it needs to be taken into account. And this is already a reason to work with parents, who need to realize that the child is not obliged to be convenient and fulfill their dreams. In Russia, it is commonly believed that a child at 16-18 years is already capable of starting an independent life. At this age, by the way, children often run away from home, enrolling in any university in another city, entering the first relationships they find, just to get away from parental control. At the same time, parents contribute their part: they begin to convince the child of the shortcomings of the chosen option. And here the key point is not the aspect of “suitable/not suitable,” but that the child's opinion is not taken into account at all. The same happens with universities: children are often forced into an educational institution based on the parents' vision of the prestige of the profession or the dynastic continuation of bakers/doctors/mechanics. Mom or dad decides where the child will enroll, what to do, and the child lives under the parents' wing until old age because mom knows better: whether he wants to eat or is cold. Codependency and Interdependence — What’s the Difference The fixation of parents on the child's life is one of the signs of codependent relationships. The next sign is the manipulation of the parent's health to influence the child's behavior. This ends badly: the child may not talk about his problems, hide serious illnesses until the last moment, lie about the real state of affairs (the mother will get upset — her blood pressure will rise, she will have heart problems, and so on). Very often in such codependent families, when the child grows up and eventually leaves the parental home, it turns out that the spouses have nothing else connecting them. They have no life of their own, they have nowhere to put their unspent energy, and often it ends with them striving even more to control their children. Behind this lies fear: what will I live for, apart from my children’s lives? During this time, nothing of their own has been created; all the most interesting things happened with the growth and maturation of the children. Such relationships do not end well: parents often divorce, unable to bear the other person their spouse has become. Or, as an option, the child sacrifices his life because he feels responsible for the fate of the mother/father. In this case, the relationships turn upside down, and the child “adopts” his own parent because that parent is unable to cope with life. The opposite of codependent relationships is “healthy relationships.” They are built on freedom and trust, on the belief that the child is an independent individual with his own preferences. Parents encourage him to explore this world, and when he flies out of the nest, they happily switch to their activities, which, by the way, they never abandoned while the child was growing up. Eco-Friendly Separation: Separating While Maintaining Relationships How to conduct an eco-friendly separation? First: figure out what kind of relationship you have with your child, whether you are able to kindly accept his/her choice — profession, university, loved one? Acknowledging that the child is a separate individual, with his own right to opinions, actions, and mistakes, his own life plans, can be very difficult. A common parental mistake that hinders separation is the desire to take away the right to make mistakes from the daughter/son, trying to lay down a safety net everywhere and always. It is very important to gather strength and support the child. “We are on your side! Whatever you choose — we will not stop loving you” — this is the basic phrase of eco-friendly separation. When I accept the child's choice, sincerely based on his interests, even if they contradict my ideas of his ideal life. There is a big difference between love that clips wings and love that inspires our children to achieve, to want to live their own unique lives. It is not easy, but it is worth it.
