Foto: BB.LV
We love our children, but sometimes their behavior can be irritating. They can be moody or bring home bad grades. In such moments, it is important for parents to convey their thoughts to their children and discuss what needs to change in their behavior. We are all human, and even adults can sometimes be overwhelmed by emotions that can lead to careless statements that may hurt a child and cause them to develop complexes. Sometimes we do not realize how harmful our words can be. Dr. Meg Meeker, a pediatrician and author of parenting books, emphasizes that the language used to communicate with a child is of great importance: "I have heard many phrases that parents say with the best intentions, but they are better left unsaid. I always try to approach the situation from the child's perspective: what do they see, what do they hear, what do they understand?". One of the common phrases that parents say to their children is: "You are driving me crazy". Perhaps each of us has said these words at least once. However, when said to a child, they can have destructive consequences. Even if your child stops listening to you or behaves noisily, try to express your emotions correctly. There is another phrase that seems softer but is essentially no different from the previous one: "I love you, but I don’t like you right now". "This is just another way of saying, 'You are driving me crazy,'" says Dr. Meeker. "The child understands it as: you really don’t love me". It is important to remember that it is from parents that children learn what love and self-esteem are. If a child becomes convinced that their parents do not value or care for them, it can have long-term negative consequences. It may seem like just one phrase, but the harm can be colossal. The way a parent communicates with a child is crucial for their development. If the example that parents show their children is negative, they will learn from it. "I think parents do not realize the impression their behavior has on children," says Dr. Meeker. "Of course, children start to imitate them. If a parent shouts, then the child also gets into the habit of doing so. If a parent constantly criticizes the child, then the child begins to criticize themselves first, and then everyone around them." Parents should remember that they are the ones who shape and guide their children, who grow up to become adults. How can you communicate your feelings and emotions to a child or ask them for something in a way that is beneficial rather than harmful? One of the most important pieces of advice from child psychologists: try to eliminate negations from advice or requests directed at children. Frases that start with the preposition "not" or the word "forbidden" are difficult for children to perceive. The thing is, a small child has to engage in double processing of information. When you say "you cannot do", the child absorbs this and waits for the continuation of the phrase about what can be done. Therefore, all prohibitions are better expressed in a positive light. Instead of focusing on what is not allowed, talk about what is permitted. Thus, familiar phrases ("don’t argue with me", "you can’t shout so loudly here", and others) should be modified so that the child understands you correctly. What other popular parental advice and requests need to be rephrased? Don’t Shout The child may not realize that they are speaking loudly. Sometimes it is enough to simply explain this to them. A proper equivalent of this phrase could be: "Please speak a little quieter". If you add the reason for your request (for example, "because mom has a headache"), you will achieve a better effect. Don’t Touch This phrase is said to protect your belongings from children's encroachments or to warn the child about dangerous items. If you forbid the little one from digging in your jewelry box, they may not understand why it is allowed for you but not for them. If you are trying to warn them about a hot iron, this phrase may also be ineffective. It is better to remove dangerous items and explain to the child what exactly should not be done to avoid bad consequences. Some psychologists advise replacing the word "forbidden" with "dangerous", as it is more informative. Don’t Run This request can confuse the child, as they see other children running and do not understand why they cannot behave the same way at home. If you calmly explain to them why you do not want them to behave like that, they will listen to you. The phrase "Please walk calmly at home" will convey the essence of your request much better. Don’t Lie The phrase "don’t lie" sounds threatening and is practically useless. If a child does not want to tell the truth, they may have their reasons. If children know that they will be punished for their actions, will they want to be honest? Instead of scolding, it is better to engage with them and explain the unclear points. When you need to know the truth, it is worth being diplomatic. For example, if you want to understand whether your son was involved in a fight, do not ask him directly about it, as it is easier for him to answer "no". Start the conversation like this: "I wanted to ask you about this… You can answer me later, as I understand the situation is complicated. Anyway, you know that I love you no matter what and it is very important to me that we can trust each other". Remember that children always look to their parents as examples. If adults catch each other in "little lies", why should a child tell the truth? Don’t Get Dirty A child does not see the difference between clean and dirty clothes until a certain age. While playing, they can be clumsy and do everything carelessly. If you explain calmly, they will try not to upset mom. Instead of scolding for being unclean, try to focus the child's attention on the positive side: "Being clean is beautiful. I really like it when you are clean. So please be more careful next time". Don’t Scatter Toys This prohibition is meaningless. How many children have you seen who do not make a mess while playing? Therefore, you should take this more calmly. Gradually teach the child to be independent by turning the process of cleaning up toys into a game. Don’t Be Silly A child may decide that they are silly without knowing the meaning of this word. In older age, this can develop into a complex. If you want to point out more reasonable behavior, do it differently: "You are very smart, let’s try to do it this way". Don’t Stick Your Nose in Other People’s Business A child may feel insulted when they are not considered. If you and your husband have an important conversation, explain to the children: "Your opinion is very important to us, but right now we are discussing boring matters. Maybe you can play with Lego or watch a cartoon for now? As soon as we are free, we will play with you together". Find another activity for the child while you are busy with your own matters. Don’t Eat So Many Candies A child does not understand that too many candies will negatively affect their health. Sweets are delicious, and it is hard to stop. Try to negotiate: "If you eat all the jelly at once, there will be nothing left for tomorrow. Let’s divide it into two portions?" If they know that the supplies of sweets are not endless, they will want to prolong the pleasure. Don’t Argue Arguing with an adult who does not understand you is pointless, just as it is with a child. If you set an ultimatum: "We are not going anywhere until you put on your hat", you deprive the child of a voice. No one likes that, regardless of age. Offer them to look for solutions that will satisfy both them and you: "You don’t want to wear the blue hat because you don’t like it? How about the red hat with Spider-Man on it?". Sometimes a child wants to play longer, and you need to go home. Instead of saying: "We are going home right now, period", explain the situation: "I understand how much you want to play, but I need to prepare dinner before dad comes home. How about you help me prepare dinner today, and tomorrow we can come to this slide first thing in the morning?". Don’t Whine If a child is upset or uncomfortable, give them the opportunity to talk about it. They want to be comforted, and if they do not achieve their goal, they only intensify their attempts. Pay attention to their worries and offer to solve the problem together. Don’t Put Dirty Hands in Your Mouth There is no need to shout and hit the child’s hands. They do not know that putting dirt in their mouth is harmful. If you are concerned for their health, approach the issue in a playful manner. For example, learn a poem with them about the dangers of dirty objects. And never forget that we — the parents — are the main role models for our children. "Parents need to understand that children are always watching them," concludes Dr. Meeker. "Children really do not know who they are and what their identity is, what they should believe in, or even how to feel. Therefore, they are constantly looking for clues about what the parent thinks of them. By receiving such clues, they absorb them — this is how their personality is formed."
