Foto: BB.LV
Who are these people? Unfortunately, parents who communicate with their children cruelly are quite common. Most often, these are not very happy people with low self-awareness and upbringing. They do not know other models of behavior and, consequently, behave the same way with partners, parents, and even with themselves. Children raised in such an atmosphere adopt these communication models and begin to behave similarly with their friends. This is not only a problem for parents aged 40-45. On the contrary, such behavior is becoming more noticeable now, as other approaches to parenting can be observed. In Soviet times, children were treated authoritatively, and the humanistic approach was not yet widespread. At the same time, representatives of the intelligentsia rarely interacted with children from working-class backgrounds. The older generation still believes that there is no other way to raise children, otherwise they will "lose all fear" and "sit on your head." What can I do if I see this? It is practically impossible to influence this, except within one's own family. When it comes to someone else's family, intervention is inappropriate, except in cases of violence. But even in this case, it is important to act cautiously to avoid provoking aggression both towards oneself and towards the child. A parent may stop public violence but take revenge on the child at home. Victims of abuse often leave children with the same parents who destroyed them, hoping for a change in the situation. The most neutral way is to approach the parents and ask if they need help. Fortunately, there are few true sadists who take pleasure in tormenting others, but there are many morally exhausted people who take out their frustrations on children due to fatigue. How to distinguish sadism from burnout? By intonation: sadists sound bored, they promise "you are going to get it now" with anticipation. Systematic beatings of the weak are a manifestation of the desire to experience power and satisfaction from it. And who are you? Sometimes a parent does not treat the child so roughly but rather competes with them, humiliating them. This indicates competition within the family. The manifestations of rivalry depend on the level of personality development. If a 3-year-old girl says she is prettier than her mother, that is normal. But if the mother starts to feel jealous of her adult daughter, that is already a problem. Subject or object of love? There is a phenomenon where parents are gentle with infants but cruel to older children. If this is not just normal irritation but sadistic pathology, then it is about the coexistence of sadism and sentimentality. For example, a sadist may be attached to their children and pets but at the same time cause pain to others. For a sentimental sadist, "little heart and blood" is an object of love, not a subject. This is an important distinction: in a subject, you see another person, while in an object, you see only yourself. At least they grew up to be a person! Children, while condemning their parents' behavior, often use their own phrasing. This can happen due to extreme fatigue when "autopilot" kicks in and parental methods are applied. Some may believe that harsh parenting methods were necessary for their own good, leading to identification with the aggressor and, consequently, depression in adulthood. People do not change A common question is: can a cruel father become a gentle grandfather? This is deceptive tenderness, as there is no need to compete for power with grandchildren while they are small. When the grandchildren grow up, the tenderness may disappear. Before leaving children with parents who humiliated you, it is worth thinking a hundred times. Exceptions are cases where a person has sincerely repented and wants to change, but this is rare. Unfortunately, victims of abuse often leave children with the same parents who destroyed them. There are terrible stories where adult daughters bring their children to fathers who have committed violence. Children who have been abused do not dare to condemn their parents, believing that "mother (father) is sacred." This is not all-forgiving love, but fear of power, where it is impossible to doubt the infallibility of the parental figure. Ekaterina Demina, child psychologist
